If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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