If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
