is your mom at the bar?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
