Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
