You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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