Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He passed out mid-signature
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
