I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
