I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
