I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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