I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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