bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
