I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
