Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
