god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
