i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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