Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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