i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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