Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
