he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
