I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
