Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
