I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
