i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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