And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
