you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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