Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
