I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
