Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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