My cat gives me a boner
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
