Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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