i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
