omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
