I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
