went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
