non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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