i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
