Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
