You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
