i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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