cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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