tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
