If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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