I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
