my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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