Apparently you make a good broom.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
