please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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