I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
