Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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