The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
