sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
