god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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